"Peace, be still!"

How a brilliant legend of the past pulled me out of a panic attack!

Recently, I experienced one of the strongest 'not panic attacks' I have ever had in my physical body, while simultaneously experiencing the strange and comforting contradiction of a peaceful mind throughout the entire twenty minutes!

Short history on my experience with depression

I grew up in a household with a chronically depressed mama. My life consisted of bracing for the signs and symptoms of her lows and cautiously enjoying the brilliant colors of her highs...From the age of about eight, I developed a steadfast determination that 1) I would not 'allow' myself to live in the darkness of depression AND 2) that I could help my mama! I, after all, could contribute to her happiness...I could be that light that my mama needed...my eight year old mind strongly believed that I could accomplish this by being the best daughter ever, being the best big sister ever, being the best student ever...being a good girl so mama could be happy and proud...and she was proud...but the devastation of defeat every time she would spiral was no fun!

As I grew older, I realized that I had no control over my mama's mind...and was painfully becoming more aware of what little control I had over my own!

Being shy and introverted (and purposely avoiding the fact that mental illness was highly prevalent in at least one side of my family that I know of) did nothing to contribute to my dream of living in the light. I progressively let the darkness that I was steadfast to avoid, crawl into my mind and take up too much space!

My 'Not Panic Attacks!'

Over the years, I have said...'just having a sad day', 'just a little anxious', 'I'm so exhausted', 'not feeling up to it', 'the tears will go away soon, I promise'...I refused to let the words pass my lips that 'I am depressed'...half of my ingrained eight year old pact had stood the test of time!

Then one day my heart begins to race in my chest, my breaths become too short, I feel extreme nausea, my entire body is trembling, I feel really cold, and most scary of all... my toes and fingers become numb, very stiff and begin to curl in...

My perfectly logical explanation for this is - Classic symptom of hyperventilation...I was feeling nauseous, so my breaths became shorter, my body lacked for oxygen therefore causing me to loose all control of my toes and fingers! What I chose to not explore is what was happening in my life at the very moment these 'not panic attacks' would happen!

Well, fast track to present day...I have a greater awareness of my 'anxious tendencies' and have done some research into my 'not panic attacks' to understand what triggers mine and that I am well equipped to survive them.

The last two years of this incredible growth journey I've begun, have caused me to make some adjustments to that very brave eight year old pact. I've now agreed to accept the words and repercussions of Depression/Anxiety Disorders as part of my story and am more positive and determined than ever in my ability to survive the thunderstorms and truly live in the light.

The Legend that led me calmly through my 'not panic attack'

One of the books that has greatly impacted my now steadfast belief that I can use my mind to lovingly accept and then move away from the darkness, is the brilliant 'As A Man Thinketh' by James Allen. It is one of the most profound and beautiful books ever written on the power of thoughts on our circumstances, on our life! I have read this book countless times (it is a really small, easy read...I highly recommend) and have done a deep dive book study on it through the Empowered Living platform (www.yourempowered.life). Every chapter is special but my all time favorite is the beautiful culminating final chapter on 'Serenity'. Every word excites and comforts you with the prospect of achieving this life of 'Eternal Calm'.

A couple weeks ago...

As my heart began to race, and I had to sit down for fear of falling from the dizziness, I knew what was going to happen and wanted to kick myself in the butt for allowing the previous six hours to lead me here! I was heading full steam ahead into a 'not panic attack!' This time felt stronger than the others...this time it was a combination of not only emotional, but also physical exhaustion. This time the nausea led to violent, can't catch your breath, vomiting and a need to sleep for 12 hours after.

You Know what...

In the middle of physically, one of the worst attacks I have ever experienced, my mind went very quiet and still. I felt this inner peace and understanding that everything would be okay...I was not going to die...my toes and fingers would uncurl, my body would stop vibrating and my breathing would regulate...this would pass...The words of James Allen massaged my mind and my soul and literally pulled me out, absurdly feeling stronger and excited about my journey. His words lit one of my darkest moments...

"...Only the wise man, only he whose thoughts are controlled and purified makes the winds and the storms of the soul obey him...Keep your hand firmly upon the helm of thought. In the bark of your soul reclines the commanding Master; He does but sleep; wake Him. Self control is strength; Right Thought is mastery; Calmness is power. Say unto your heart, "Peace, be still!" - James Allen

Cautionary Note

I am not a mental health professional. If you think you may be depressed or experiencing symptoms of panic attacks, please talk to your doctor or mental care professional for proper diagnosis and prescription. This is simply my story and my methods of letting in the light. I only hope that my words bring comfort and a strong motivation to believe in yourself and your powerful ability to outrun any thunderstorm that threatens your sunny skies!

My mama! The brilliant light that shines through her has always been an inspiration to me! xoxo