Ocean Bottom View

Journey of the soft, stretch-marked, silvered haired embrace...

"You are so lucky...you are so small...you never gain weight!"

Every single time a well wishing person (family, friend, practical stranger) tells me this, I get so incredibly uncomfortable and am at a total lost for words...I outwardly smile, most probably blush and mumble thank you while inwardly cringing from embarrassment?...shame?...the strange need to explain myself...explain why I look the way I do...downplay the fact that I am on the smaller side...have always been...when expectant eyes look at me after passing their comment...I fumble over my 'defense'...I do yoga, I am not as 'tiny' as you think, good genes I guess...then awkwardly change the subject as fast as possible.

"Freckles, Freckles!" said Carlo

I was six years old in Ms. Martinez's Infant 2 class when my 'looks' suddenly became a factor in my self-image journey. Up until that point, I had no problem with the myriad of freckles on my face...my amazing Gran has freckles, my mama and aunts often referred to them as beauty marks and one of my favorite uncles lovingly teased me 'speckled banana' :) I was fine with my face until we began the standard curriculum reading book featuring a very freckled faced boy called Mike Parks and the quintessential bully Carlo! All of a sudden my face became the focal point of finger pointing, giggling and teasing remarks. Although my classmates were much kinder than Carlo, I suddenly became very aware that I looked quite different than everyone around me!

And for a six year old, who was already on the shy side and had anxiety tendencies bubbling in her veins, being 'different' was not a comfortable place to be.

I started nickpicking every 'different' detail of my body...I had ridiculous frizzy hair, I had a big forehead and ears, I had very spaced out teeth and was notably smaller than everyone in my class! I was also certain that the Infant 2 reading book had a vendetta against me...several stories later, another poor character had to wear glasses...and guess what...it didn't matter that I was put to sit in front of the class...the words on the blackboard were still fuzzy...near-sighted astigmatism eyes decided to manifest and demand I wear glasses too...and I now became the four-eyed freckled-faced centerpiece of attention in the classroom! Infant 2 was no fun :)

I was lucky to be surrounded by a group of fun, confident girlfriends throughout primary school. Although I silently struggled with my anxiety issues, I didn't have the extra stress of being teased or bullied. My negative body image however, had already taken root...I was constantly aware of my how much smaller I was than all of my friends...and the closer I got to high school the more embarrassed I became of my underdeveloped body...all the girls around me had gotten their periods, had started wearing real bras, and were developing the soft curves of the female body! My mama constantly reminded me that it was genetic...that I took after her! That was a comforting fact at home, but out in the schoolyard, it was hard to swallow...

I always joke with my husband that when he met me (first year of sixth form- almost 17!) I literally had just sprouted some boobies and developed some curves :)

Ocean Bottom View

Having a loving, affectionate boyfriend, and later husband greatly helped my bruised body image. My body slowly developed some curves that I could live with and Andrew has always loved my freckled faced and big curly hair...

Although I have a husband who worships my body (and for that I am grateful), when I am alone in front of the mirror, I still manage to nitpick every 'annoying' detail...my thin almost transparent skin showcasing all the colorful spiderweb veins, the white sun spots that have decided to join the party of freckles on my legs, chest and arms, cellulitey thighs and after my babies...the 'ocean bottom view' :)

This is what my husband lovingly calls the beautiful display of stretch mark lines that paint my hips and butt cheeks! They very much resemble the myriad of lines in the sand at the bottom of the ocean...lines artfully made by the natural action of the waves...(leave it to Andrew to create a simile comparing two of his favorite things...his wifey's butt and the sea :)

ANXIETY & My Body

I have a theory about my weight. Yes, genes probably play a factor, but I strongly believe that I have maintained my 'light' weight for the past twenty plus years...even through two pregnancies and the regular consumption of gluten filled products (I bake all the time) - because of my anxiety! Anxiety affects everyone differently. I believe living in an almost constant state of tenseness, anxiousness and worry, caused my weight to remain stagnant. I have monitored this my entire life, always having a scale in the bathroom. In periods where there was light and happiness in my world, I would gain up to five pounds! When the inevitable darkness returned, my weight would plummet and return to the norm.

Every book is judged by its cover until it is read. - Maryrose Wood

We should never judge a book by its cover until we truly understand its contents...I know in my heart that the darkness that has consumed me has also been largely responsible for this 'lucky' body...

Good News...I Think :)

So, if you've been following my journey, you know that I've been employing some effective Anti Anxiety Artillery...through pandemic craziness and all, I've been experiencing life in the light for the past couple months...and true to my theory, I've literally gained four pounds y'all! Although I've learned to be kinder to myself and grateful for this vessel that carries me, I am still a female human, therefore still overly critical of this body at times. I no longer make it consume me, but I remain observant of its changes...changes that I am learning to embrace...

I am getting older and have a couple silvery strands of hair to prove it...my once flat tummy now showcases a soft roll, my hips have spread with the recent weight gain, I have more defined lines on my face and well, everything is just softer and definitely being affected by gravity :)

What this growth journey has taught me so far is that we have the ability to choose our attitude and our effort/action! I choose to live in the light...I choose joy...I choose to love my body temple...I choose to love my ocean bottom view ~ forged by the creation of two little humans...I choose to understand the benefits of healthy habits and am committed to employing them (with the exception of my gluten obsession... baking gives me joy, so I will continue to do so...being mindful of how many slices I eat :)

But most importantly I choose to love me...Me ~ that creative life force that also lives inside...I am not defined by just my physical appearance...I want to look in the mirror and love the entire package...the body temple that houses this soul, and the soul that is now finding joy in its being...finding joy in this newfound purpose...finding joy in the light and the possibility of spreading light to others...

xoxo

Photo Credit - Mama