Move it or Lose it

How slowing down has the adverse side effect of amping up my general unease :(

"Why can't you just relax...relax with me?" This has been one of the most frequently asked questions in my 20+ year relationship with my best friend, my life partner, my soulmate, Andrew. And my most frequent answer has always been: "I don't know!!" (while wanting to pull my hair out in frustration! Ahhhhhh!!!)

Well, if you guys have been following my previous posts, you know about a part of the little pact my eight-year-old self made with me...which went to the tune of 'I will not get depressed...I will stay clear of the darkness!' Up until just recently (like within the last 2 years), I have lived under the illusion that 'something must be wrong with my wiring...its not possible for a person to physically, emotionally, and mentally be incapable of relaxing for more than 15 minutes!

Very surprisingly (and embarrassingly:( it seriously did not occur to me that my 'faulty wiring for relaxing' was actually caused instead by what I am now self-diagnosing to be some degree of 'Generalized Anxiety Disorder'.

AND LACK OF BOUNDARIES...

Back in the day when my mama was suffering, she would have to travel for hundreds of miles by bus outside Belize, to Mexico in search of mental health care doctors. Fast track to present day, our country, though a beautiful gem to live in, suffers greatly from a lack of proper healthcare across all spectrums; and in regards to mental health, it's pretty much nonexistent! There is ONE psychologist that I am aware of who shares his time between the two largest districts. I actually mustered up the courage to sit with him about two years ago after being in a dark 'slump' for a while. I was beyond uncomfortable and I tried very unsuccessfully to answer his questions without the usual deluge of tears. An hour later, after doing serious damage to his tissue box, he concluded that I suffered from a lack of 'boundaries'.

My eight year old self gave me a very enthusiastic high five! I was not depressed...I just had to work on my boundaries...whatever that was...

So he gave me the name of a book I must read and bade me farewell....no suggestion for a repeat visit...just read the book! Well... that book made it onto my Resources page. It's called 'Boundaries' by Dr. Henry Cloud & John Townsend. (Cautionary Note for interested readers: It is heavily Christian based, often describing boundaries through biblical references - if this is not your cup of tea, I strongly recommend you still give it a go...the information is gold) In essence, the doctors teach that we must all develop healthy boundaries in order to enjoy healthy relationships with ourselves and other humans, ultimately resulting in a more joyful, fulfilling life. This book was a huge eye opener for me. I had never heard of 'boundaries' but understood the instant I began reading, that indeed I suffered from a severe lack of them.

Boundaries in the physical world are parameters, fences, borders that separate one property/area/country from another. A human boundary is like a 'personal property line' that identifies everything we are responsible for. Within our individual boundaries lie our feelings, attitudes/beliefs, behaviors, choices, values, limits, resources, thoughts, desires and love. Basically boundaries affect every aspect of our lives.

These boundaries should begin to develop at different stages throughout our childhood, when our characters are being formed. The psychologist suggested that my boundaries did not form properly as a child and is much more common than people know. One of the causes of this early derailment is abuse in any form of the word. He asked me several times throughout the session if I was abused in any way in my childhood... and I confidently replied NO. He then suggested that my boundary development was affected during the 'Separation & Individuation' stage. This is when a baby begins to realize that 'Mommy & Me aren't the same', 'I can do Anything' & 'I can do everything!'. Couple this with my natural empathetic, introverted character and you get Me.

So as a child I could remember my mama being the epicenter of my world...she cried~I was sad, she laughed~I was happy, she watched a movie~I watched for her every reaction (often times missing the movie), she sang & danced loudly to music~I sang and danced along with her, she left town on one of her arduous expeditions across the border for her specialists (leaving us with our awesome grandparents) and I work myself up into such a state that I become ill......When I was about fourteen years old, I had the opportunity to travel with my aunt to the United States...fly on the big plane and go shopping and watch movies...what fourteen year old would want to miss that...well THIS ONE! My much younger sister (eight years younger) and brother jumped on the opportunity and happily kissed my parents goodbye. I stayed behind to keep my mama company...

At sixteen, I prepare to leave home for Sixth Form in the big city...one of the hallmark happy, excited moments in a teenager's life...I am a wreck...I leave home but return every single weekend...(even after I meet the love of my life who lives in the city). I very slowly and painfully begin to adjust to 'adulthood' and the fact that I can't physically be at my mama's side forever.

This enmeshment that defined my life, did a natural transition to the next most important relationship in my journey....my husband! We started dating just as I turned seventeen and have been together ever since. He is my one and only, my forever love and I am still in awe and gratitude that he has always LOVED ALL OF ME...

What attracted me to Andrew was the light that radiated from him. He was naturally confident, very intelligent, completely unaware or concerned with his good looks :), humorous and 100% at ease with himself....all the things I was not...

My self image was: I am not intelligent (up until this point I had graduated valedictorian from primary & high school & went on to graduate sixth form with a 4.0 GPA), I have no substantial opinions on anything important, am extremely nervous to speak in public settings, am funny looking (very undeveloped for my age, freckles, spaced out teeth, big hair and glasses), socially awkward (I am from the rural south where I partook in zero to no social activities with friends, because events were close to non existent and I preferred to stay home anyway), worrisome and boring....

Well, Andrew helped me to change some of these beliefs and colored my world with the new exciting feelings and experiences that came with young love. My life slowly began moving away from my mama to now evolving around my boyfriend...then years later, husband & father of our children.

But let me tell you, it was no easy transition...I wrote a couple emotion driven letters to my mama (so sorry Mama for putting you through this extra sh*!) throughout that time expressing how hard it was for me, how worried I was about her feelings that I had a new love in my life, how jealous I was of my younger sister who was now spending all that quality time that I did when I was at home....

When I think about it now, it screams Very Unhealthy in so many ways....but when I was living it, it was all I knew...it was life.

So yeah, thinking back...my life has been like a series of theme parks at every stage... filled with heart pounding, emotional rollercoasters...my lack of boundaries have kept me from separating what I am feeling from what the people I care about most are...I am an empath, so a natural people pleaser & peace keeper....I have an extremely hard time saying No...I have a hard time forming and expressing my own opinions because mine have been so enmeshed with the others in my relationships. I have a hard time making decisions...I agonize over each one till I frustratingly just end up having my loved ones make them for me...Top all these boundary issues with my inability to experience that Big Word I have on the graphic at the top of this page, and you got my life :)

HAPPY NOTE

After this very long, much too depressing post, I must leave you all on a high note and express my sincere gratitude that you stuck with me and made it to the end. This one has been particularly hard for me to write...but I am so proud of myself and grateful that I am committing the time to finally dig deep to really understand myself, understand my journey and understand that I am strong enough...I am enough to make it through every thunderstorm that rolls into my life...I am strong enough to let in the the light!

The great Barack Obama said "Nothing in life that's worth anything is easy!"

I have been working on building my boundaries, brick by brick and am finding success now in being confident that I am ME...I can let in the love and let out the hurt...my opinions matter and I do have an important voice to be heard...

I am learning that I am responsible for MY JOY...it's inside of me and has been there all along...I just needed to dust it off and learn how to use it!

I am learning to catch myself when that familiar unease creeps in the minute I am suppose to be relaxing...sometimes it takes longer than I want to chase it out, but I am getting better at it... I now understand and accept that in my world, I must charge valiantly and ceaselessly towards the coveted peace of mind I so desperately desire, every moment of everyday! There is so much joy to be had with my boys, with my husband, with my family, in this world...I will not stop until I can one day, not even have to think about it...and just relax...

Breathe....

xoxo,

Jess

My Forever Love (Throwback to Really YOUNG versions of ourselves :)