Finding Beauty

Just as light shines through the cracks...just as there is always a glimmer of hope...there is boundless beauty to be found, even in the darkness...

Death and Beauty

On a Thursday in June, seven weeks ago, my brother passed away...

On the Tuesday of that week, I receive the call that he is not waking up and the ambulance is on the way to take him to the hospital...

I drive the forty-five minutes to his home from mine and sit with my mama and his girlies trying to make sense of this ridiculous happening...

I tell my mama that it's going to be okay...he just has an infection that the antibiotics will fix..he will wake up and get the awesome immunity boost of the Vitamin C infusions his warrior wife and the sweet palliative care nurses are set to administer tomorrow...this will surely wake him up and give him the strength to keep fighting...

My dad calls to say they are bringing him home because the hospital cannot do anything else...

I still don't believe a word they say and keep riding that wave of hope I've been on since his diagnosis a little under a year ago...

With strange efficiency not normal for the medical services in our town, the ambulance is here and bringing my brother up on a stretcher, huge oxygen tanks in tow...

My Gran is here of course because she possesses these special powers to be anywhere on the globe she is most needed...and she is definitely needed now...

My mama crawls on the bed beside him and remains there for hours on end for the next two days, willing him to wake up and determined to be there when he does...

I sit on the ground beside his bed and watch as all the warrior women he was blessed to have in his life mill around him...his wifey, our mama and Gran, his mother-in-law, the amazing selfless doctor who refuses to leave his side...then his devoted cousins from in town and out of town pour in and sit in his room...

The kiddos of all these cousins gather and have a giant playdate on the verandah with his precious girlies, most blissfully unaware of what's happening in this crowded room down the hall...

I remember being one of those kiddos...every death of a grand-aunt or uncle was like an awesome family reunion where we got to play with cousins for two or three days...it was so much fun...

This however is not fun...

This reality feels like a strange alternative universe...a very vivid unbelievable nightmare...

I feel numb and helpless

On day two I drive home in a daze with the wave of hope I was riding on, crashing with magnificent force onto the shore...my hope is fading away and I am lost...I don't like this feeling...

I pray to the universe for a miracle...

The next day, on that Thursday...the third day after he went to sleep...he takes his last breath...he is gone...gone...

In the next couple of whirlwind days, the waking nightmare keeps filling up with these ridiculous details that are forever engrained in my soul...

Kindly expression originates in kindly thought; and kindly expression is the essence of Beauty, which, seeking to express itself ever more and more perfectly, becomes that fine touch of sympathy... - Thomas Troward

As I walked through the days before and after that Thursday, even with all the devastating sadness that permeated the air, there was beauty to be found...beauty that shone through the darkness...

Beauty in the constant stream of family and friends who came in the days before and after...

Beauty in the kind, selfless acts of family and friends who took charge of planning and organizing the details of a wonderful celebration of life ceremony in the midst of curfew and Covid-19 restrictions....took charge when we still could not believe this is our new reality...took charge when we could not fathom thinking about two minutes from now, much less tomorrow for his cremation, then the next day for the ceremony....took charge when breathing in and out was all we could manage...

Beauty in the kind words of sympathy and condolences that poured in from every direction...kind words that flooded the family's social media platforms, kind words in private messages, kind words in phone calls, kind words intentioned for comfort in the darkness...

Beauty in the endless hugs and kisses and support and strength I was showered with from my sweet husband and boys...

Beauty & Life ~ Beauty is all around us, all the time. It's our responsibility to seek it and live in its abundant light...

Maybe the real miracle I prayed for was delivered to us by his release...by his release from this horrid disease, release from his daily devastating struggle to keep going, release from the suffering....I'm slowly learning to take comfort in the beauty of his release...

My beautiful Brother

But in our search for a higher Beauty than we have yet found we must beware of missing the Beauty that already exists. Perfect harmony with its environment, and perfect expression of its own inward nature are what constitute Beauty; and our ignorance of the nature of the thing or its environment may shut our eyes to the Beauty it already has. - Thomas Troward

The past seven weeks have been nothing short of difficult. It's been the hardest weeks of my life. But, as the saying goes, where your focus goes, energy flows...and I've been giving it my best effort to focus on gratitude and finding beauty in the little things. Between my bouts of sobbing, the endless damn of silent tears and the drowning disbelief and sadness that he's actually gone...I've found the strength to see and feel the rays of light... and I pray everyday for my parents, sister, his wife and baby girls to feel the beauty and strength of this light that they also possess, this light and beauty that's all around us...

The long stretches of sadness are getting shorter and more bearable as the beauty of time heals our wounds...

I've been getting up and putting on my lipstick to boost my spirts, something my sweet Gran taught me! I've been finding beauty in the colors and smells of my cooking, in the smiles of my family, in my husband's arms, in kind gestures from strangers, in the feel of sand between my toes, in the breathtaking moments when the sun paints the morning and evening skies, in Dustan's silly happy dance, in Ethan's wild imagination, in sharing a delicious bottle of wine with the special people in my life, in the grand blessing of living life itself...

Beauty is all around us...are you looking for it? Because when you do, it will turn your grey skies blue...

xoxo,

Jess