'Don't be OK with being OK'

Grey overcast skies are no longer my M.O....Brilliant, cloudless blue...here I come!

Launching this blog has been much harder than I had anticipated.

I took it SLOW...sharing with my hubby, then my mama, then my close girlfriends, then some family, then finally the Facebook community. Even though the feedback has been overwhelmingly heart warming and positive, the process has been the catalyst for some major lows in the past couple weeks. What should have been an exciting, happy time for me has been smeared with a painstaking crawl through the darkness.

Delving deep into my thoughts, my memories, my beliefs about my journey should in theory be therapeutic and freeing...I know in my heart that it will serve this important purpose at some point, but at the moment, apparently not yet!

For the first time in my life, I'm digging deep and consciously analyzing my behaviors and thought patterns...and it has left me feeling wretched and raw...

The most depressing realization I have had from this process is the fact that for the last 20 years, I have been 'surviving'....going through the motions hoping to just get through one life event to the next. (It hasn't all been dark...I have had some beautiful highs that filled blocks of time with radiant light, but these never lasted...the darkness always returned.) I've made countless pledges to my husband throughout the years, to make a better effort at enjoying my life, enjoying our life together, but my valiant efforts have always fallen short. Then, it suddenly dawned on me that my failed efforts could be partially to blame on my belief system.

Belief Systems

Most of our belief systems are formed in childhood, between birth and twelve years old. My eight year old self formed a belief that nothing good ever lasts...my mama could be happy today, and crying tomorrow. My survival mechanism was to wearily enjoy the good times with the knowledge that I must brace for the darkness that would inevitably follow. So my valiant adult efforts over the years have been doomed from the start because of this foundational belief that if I was having a great day today, a dark one was right around the corner. The belief that I could not stop what was going to happen anyway.

Self Analysis...pull on the lab coat and grab the microscope....

Yes, I could look at it through the lens of the 'Law of Attraction'...the universal law which states that like energies attract...I am consumed with thoughts of darkness, so this negative energy that I am pushing out to the world is delivered right back to me...In my recent book studies, I've been introduced to the concepts of these universal laws and have had some time to ponder them. I do believe that everything in our world, in the universe is Energy and our thoughts are one of the highest forms. And I have first hand experience (collected over my lifetime) that negative thoughts / negative energy 100% of the time produces negative results! So in congruence with another of these laws...the Law of Polarity...the opposite end of the spectrum would be - Positive Thoughts / Positive Energy should lawfully produce Positive Results!

Then there's my favorite thought legend, James Allen. He says this:

All that a man achieves and all that he fails to achieve is the direct result of his own thoughts...Work joyfully and peacefully, knowing that right thoughts and right efforts will inevitably bring about right results.

I am not purposely ignoring the fact that my anxiety/depression plays a major role in the darker days. I am (not so simply..more like desperately) looking at it from all angles in an effort to make sense of my life and what I can do to change its current course.

I have had my share of crash and burns...I am exhausted...and so painfully aware of the rollercoasters I have subjected my husband and boys to over the years. The very same rollercoasters I had pledged as a kid not to ride...I feel like my back is against the wall and I must let in the light by whatever means I can, lest disappear permanently into the darkness...

I feel like I am awake for the first time in forever and have finally decided that I am Not OK with being OK...I am so ready to be GREAT!

My Pledge...

I have created a daily routine with a list of actions I must follow...I have boldly labeled it my 'Anti-Anxiety Artillery'. I will try this for one month. If I am not seeing significant light infiltration, I will consider therapy and meds (which I have been avoiding like the plague).

I believe that the mind should work for us...not the other way around...I love the hope that fills me when reading James Allen's take on the power of thoughts, so have decided to marinate in this faith and focus on the positive...focus on the amazing people and things in my life...focus on making those positive vibrations work through and for me...

"You are what you do, not what you say you'll do" - C.G. Jung

I know it will not be easy...nothing worthwhile in life ever is...so I will give my most valiant effort yet, to walk the talk...

This is what a Light-filled day looks like...I am so ready to receive more of these!